Apparently blogger is up to its shenanigans again! I've gotten a few, melt.my.heart.oh.my.goodness.so.sweet emails letting me know that you couldn't post on here. I understand the frustration and thank you for your sweet thoughts and prayers...I'll be emailing you back, now :) I'm gonna try and fix the problem, not sure if I can??
Finally, time to update my blog a little! I guess since my last post (not my very last, but the last post I actually blogged about life) we've had a few changes. I started a new job, which has been an absolute blessing. I basically do the same work, just a different setting, with a much more positive environment. My last job sucked me DRY of everything. I work with my sister's best friend, and it's a JOY!! That same post I also talked about changes for Jeromy. I couldn't really say much, and it's not a huge big deal, but he changed jobs too, which has been great for him as well. His old job was slowing down quite a bit, that type of business he was in has taken a hit with the economy. His new job will always thrive, so we are praying that this door that has been opened will be a good one for our future.
As far as the land that we put an offer in on, well that was a flop! We, as well as my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, put an offer in and both received ahhhmazing deals on the land...now we see why. Their land did not perk, and ours only perked for a 2 bedroom. It was so perfect too, but it fell through, and clearly it was for a reason. So, with his new job now, we are going to wait a year and begin the process again.
Onto the TTC woes. I am going to be realllly careful and try and choose my words very wisely with this. I go through funks...really sad, angry, bitter, painful funks. I try and smile through it, and remain positive and faithful to the process...but the process takes it's toll sometimes. There are two things that are more painful than anything else in this "journey"... 1) the enormous guilt that I have regarding what I can't provide for my wonderful husband 2) watching others successfully conceive easily and having to watch it all over social media (totally my choice, I know). The second one was a bit harsh, I know, I apologize...kinda. I don't even get on FB much anymore for that very reason. I am happy for people, I'm not a totally hateful, bitter person...it just stings, badly.
I'm an emotional person, but I've never been a big cryer. Not the case anymore. I've never been able to cry at the site or sound of something. Not the case anymore. I will hear of someone I know being pregnant, and burst into tears. Honestly, it's awful, I hate it and I don't wanna be like that...but that's where I am at today. I swear like a month ago I was content with the idea of not being able to have a child. I knew that no matter what it was God's plan, and His plan is the ultimate plan. And maybe He sees it fit for us to not have a child. And if that's the case, I have to accept His plan...and I will, but I guess my new question is "how"? I feel like my husband and I are so full of love and all this good stuff to give, to pass on...who will we pass it on to, to be able to call our own and say we created this? That is the void that terrifies me.
As I have said on here numerous times, I pray for all my IF friends, truly I do. Answered prayers are abound right now, so many people are receiving their much deserved blessings!! So awesome!! For that I am grateful and whole heartedly happy. My blog roll was full of IF friends, I now have only TWO that aren't pregnant yet, woohoo! I will say that, unfortunately, SOME of my bloggy friends who have gotten pregnant don't come here anymore :( They don't comment or share anymore...and that's ok, I see where we are in different places now? But, I dearly love the ones that have stuck with me (Stephanie). Please forgive me if I sound really depressing...it's that roller coaster thingy. I hate being negative, I really do...it's just a funky time right now.
I've hit it big time now y'all, I was asked to post as a guest blogger on one of my sweet friend's blogs! Alisha, from Peace and Penguins, asked me to guest post and I was more than honored to do so. I love Alisha's blog, please go check it out and you will see why. A beautiful girl, with a beautiful heart, with a beautiful blog...nuf'said!
Soo, you would think I was asked to post about none other than infertility...not the case! Something I don't talk much about on here (and I think I've said that before) is the dreaded topic of anxiety, ugghhh! I don't like to focus on it here on my blog, and I really don't know why I don't talk about it much. I most certainly think that I manage it well most of the time (and you can see how if you go read my post on Alisha's blog), so that's why I don't make it much of an issue here. But I definitely have my struggles with it, and I really think it helps others when people can be transparent about what afflictions they have. I follow several blogs with some amazing writers who garner 200+ comments in one blog post. They have the most beautiful families, gorgeous children, the "perfect" husband, and that perfect job...a stay at home mom (I want that job so badly...I keep applying, but at this time they just aren't hiring). Then one day you're reading about their seemingly "perfect" life, and then they reveal that they have fears and anxieties of their own that can be so overwhelming. It's that moment when you realize you are not alone, nobody is perfect and it is going to be OK :) This is what is so beautiful about the blogging world. I'm so grateful to have this little space here (even if I don't keep up with it very well) to connect with and support others that are right where you are!! Thank you to Alisha for even thinking of me, and I'm so glad I could be a part of this topic...I hope you enjoy it, and my prayer is that it reaches someone in need, and they know there is peace to be found in the valley...
***I really just realized I haven't updated my blog about all the changes we were going through...I will be back to do that soon. If you're even following me anymore, I'll be back ;)
Sooo...I don't expect anyone to even comment on my blog or even visit....for the fact that I just can't get into the blogging mood, I have nothing for you. A part of me is so busy transitioning into a new job (that I really do love), and a part of me is just kinda blahhhh. Between the two, lately, I just can't find the positive energy to blog. I'm loving that it's Christmas time (my sooo very favorite time of year), but this year there are just so many changes going on in our lives, that at times, it's a bit overwhelming. If I haven't mentioned before, I'm not a fan of change...once I get in the swing of things, it's all good, but getting there can be tough. Still feeling enormously blessed, I just have to say that!! I may bend, but I will not break :)
Enough about me!!
My lovely friend Jenn, from "The Future Fords" nominated me for a blog award. So sweet of her! (What's wrong is she nominated me weeks ago, but as stated above, I just now got to it). I absolutely love Jenn. I "met" her probably like 2 or 3 years ago on another blog/forum, staying in touch all the while. Over the past year she started her blog as she began trying to conceive. What I love about her is that we have a lot in common, and she is such a great writer with such transparency...once you read even one of her posts, you'll be hooked, she's very entertaining and just down to earth. She has now found herself in the same "boat" as many of us...struggling to conceive :( Please go visit her blog and show her some support, she's the best!
One of my favorite blogs Kelly's Korner always has the "Show Us Your Life" link up posts. A lot of times I have nothing to offer to link up for, and sometimes I do, but I'm just too lazy to do it (did I mention I'm a lazy blogger?). A while back she had "Show Us Your Life-Favorite Devotionals"...I wanted so bad to link up and talk about my favorite devotional, because I'm so in love with it and it feeds me so much, spiritually, e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y! So, after reading today's devotion, I really want to share it with you in hopes that it will give you hope and the reminder that the Lord knows our hearts desires, and that He will not be late. This is the book...
So much going on with us these days! Lots of good things, but still giving me lots to pray about to keep my worries at bay.
Before it gets too late to post about, I got a little crafty (yes, me) for my husbands Halloween costume. We did a little role reversal thing....I was just hoping he would go for it. I thought it would be hilarious if my hubs was a cheerleader and I was a football player (well, hilarious on his part, I was shooting for comfort on my part!). I only have a couple pics from my blackberry, some of the people at the party we went to took some great pics, but I haven't gotten those yet. So here is a pic of the skirt I bedazzled...I got it at TJMaxx...it was a woman's plain white tennis skirt-perfection!! At first we decided that we were going to match teams for our outfits, but my mother-in-law suggested that I make him an Angel's cheerleader...his men's baseball team that he plays for that he is OBsessed with (yes, I know baseball doesn't have cheerleaders). I was a Florida Gators football player. How awesome is this bedazzled skirt??
I'm still amazed on a regular basis that I am so richly blessed to be married to such an incredible man. We celebrated our four year anniversary last Thursday! These last four years have been a journey that I never could foresee. It's amazing how you try and "plan" your life out...and God just laughs. Even though our "plans" haven't come to fruition as we would like, we have each other and our relationship with the Lord...and that's all we really need. Jeromy has been the rock in our relationship, he is mostly a fearless and very strong man. He's not very emotional, but has the biggest heart. I give him credit for strengthening my journey with the Lord, and this is what I'm most thankful for.
When I think of the enormous love I have for him, I am reminded of what led me to him. I am reminded that through pain and suffering, the Lord actually is working in your life to bring you to a better place...ultimately to bring Him greater glory. Shortly before I started dating my husband, I was in a relationship that ended very badly. I had been engaged to a guy for about a year. Throughout our relationship I saw several red flags, I ultimately chose to ignore those. Looking back, these red flags should have been deal breakers, but I suppose when you're planning a wedding all you can see is the big picture...which is your wedding day. Without getting into too much detail (b/c I have a public blog, and I'm not that kinda girl), he came to me three weeks before our wedding and told me that he couldn't go through with it. This was a Friday night, and the next day was a combo wedding shower and bachelorette party...talk about devastation. All I could think about was the embarrassment I was about to face. All I wanted to do was cry, cry and cry some more and never leave my house. In hindsight, I think I was more devastated and embarrassed about having to call off our wedding than actually not marrying him.
Shortly after ending that relationship, I met my husband (well I knew him, we just never got to know each other). I only tell this story, as a testimony to what our God can do in our lives when all we see is devastation or loss...but in His precise plan, He is working to mend our hearts and to bring us to a higher place. When I was engaged to that guy I was a Christian, but he was not; I wanted children, but he did not. It was a perfect mis-match, and because I was blinded by certain things, my Lord took care of business for me...even when I wasn't looking for Him to do so, I'm ashamed to say.
I couldn't imagine life without my husband, and clearly neither could the Lord, because He divinely placed him there...glory be to God!! I couldn't imagine going through this journey with anyone else, I just wanna shout from the roof tops how much I love this man of mine and how incredibly thankful I am for him!!!! Our life isn't perfect, but I think there is beauty in that. The journey that led me to my husband reminds me of the journey that we are currently on to have a child. It's shaky, it's devastating...but we will remain faithful knowing that our Lord, full of grace and mercy, will indeed bless us in His own way in His own timing...and indeed, we will be in a higher place giving God all the glory!!
